They think I don't know...

I have a sneaking suspicion that I may be on to a conspiracy being perpetrated upon us by a well known grocery chain…Publix.

The instrument of deception - That cheery scale that stands happily at the entrance to their stores like a Buckingham Palace guard.

You see, I have been exercising furiously (well – occasionally at least) for the past month or so. Yet, when I step on the scale every Saturday during our weekly grocery run, I am seeing no drop in my weight.

Some might just pass this off as I haven’t been at it long enough, or that I really should be doing it EVERY night, or that a post-exercise victory bowl of ice cream isn’t helping. Little do those people know the depths of the deception Publix would stoop to in order to increase their profits.

I realize some of you think I’ve lost my mind, but follow me here…

Let’s just say you happen to be a bit overweight, like me for example. You step on the scale strategically placed at the entrance to the store and find out that despite your best efforts (such as for example, riding an exercise bike ALMOST every night, and limiting yourself to no more than half a pizza at a time), that you haven’t lost any weight.

Now perhaps you would think to yourself, “Damn, maybe I need to try some of that delicious low fat, no sugar, mini-portion food.” If you get sucked in by this ploy you end up spending extra money on all that “help me loose weight” stuff. (This brings up the question of why does food with less “stuff” in it cost more, but I digress…)

Through clever manipulation by some type of bio-recognition technology linked to the cash register, the scale knows if the next time you step on it whether you should have “lost” weight or not based upon the amount of that good for you stuff that you bought.

This is the only rational explanation for the fact that I have yet to lose any weight, and I’m sticking with it.

In other news, I managed to bike for 10 miles the other night. It took me just over 38 minutes. It’s actually not that bad if you are watching television and don’t focus on the timer on the bike. Well, I couldn’t actually see the timer with the plate holding my slice of pizza balanced on it, but if it works…

Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, I didn’t balance a slice of pizza on the timer – well, not this time at least.

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I must confess a sin.

I love to eat. It's one of my favorite hobbies, and I'm damn good at it.

Of course I'm sure this has something to do with my current weight issue, but we don't really need to get into THAT now do we?

Now if my favorite food was something non-fattening like - I don't know - rice cakes perhaps, then my eating hobby wouldn't be such an issue. However, like most un-slender people - I despise rice cakes, and would rather eat the bag they come in.

Unfortunately, my favorite food is pizza. Now, pizza will never be classified as non-fattening. (Unless it is one of those mini-hockey puck things Nutrisystem tries to pass of as a meal.)

Since it's not going to be good for me, at least I can make sure it tastes good. This has been a quest of mine for years. You see, I fancy myself a pizza connoisseur. Please don't insult my tastebuds with that delivery drivel. Don't tell me something that is cooked on a conveyor belt oven is "pizza". Nope, that's thin bread with canned sauce and pre-packed cheese on it. Tasty as a snack for sure, but really just a step above being in a box in your local grocier's freezer.

I've had a few decent pizzas locally. Some I would even have considered quite good. That is all in the past now. For now I have discovered the holy grail of Florida pizza - Anthony's Coal Fired Pizza. If Pizza Hut is your idea of good pizza, please do not even insult the culinary geniuses that run this place by walking through their door. You won't get it.

If you can appreciate fresh mozzarella and romano cheeses, and plum tomatoes on a thin crust with a charred edge - this is the place for you. The wife even likes this pizza, and anyone who knows her knows she doesn't like pizza.

Now, those of you who give them a try, be warned - the edge of the pizza will be charred. (That's burnt to you non-connoisseurs) It's supposed to be. If it bothers you, don't eat that part. When you cook a pizza next to glowing hot coals, char happens.

Okay, enough about Anthony's, and no I'm not on the payroll. (Although if they wanted to comp me a pie or two I sure wouldn't decline...)

The family and I embarked on a trip to the local bowling lanes this weekend. I'm proud to say that I was able to defeat the nine year old, the two year old, and the eight year old who has to bowl from his stroller. Earl Anthony eat your heart out.

The wife decided to sit out claiming arm soreness, although I suspect the truth is she did not wish to compete with a bowler of my caliber. When your average constantly hovers around the 100 mark it's hard to find competition willing to take you on.

I will say Zach gave me a run for it in the last game, but through my skill, finely honed by watching re-runs of old PBA matches on ESPN Classic while saying, "Ahh, so that's how they do it!", I was able to hold him off by one pin.

Not only can I ride a stationary bike, I can defeat pre-adolescents and a toddler at bowling. I'm so close to athletic perfection that it hurts - or maybe that's just my arm.

P.S. Our Mystery Diagnosis episode was on again last night, so those of you with a time machine can see it.

Zach's surgery date

Have I mentioned that MPS sucks?

We got the call from Zach's surgeon's office that the surgery has been scheduled for Monday, October 20th. The surgery could take up to 6 hours, and he is expected to be in the hospital for up to a week for recovery. Before the surgery we have the lovely process of getting all of his doctors to agree he is healthy enough for the procedure, getting x-rays done, and numerous other joyous appointments. Ooooh goody.

The issue that gets me sometimes is that it's really doubtful that Zach even understands why he gets put through all this crap. He's gotten to the point now where he really doesn't like doctor's offices at all. I guess you can't hardly blame him though. Almost every time we go to an appointment it seems Zach would rather be any other place in the world. I'm with you on that buddy. When you've been poked and prodded your entire life, it's bound to get irritating.

There are some days I wish this could all be someone else's problem. It would be nice to be able to say, "Okay, YOU deal with it", but that's just not reality. No matter how difficult the decisions are, or how many appointments we have to go to - they are our responsibility. Nobody else can make these choices for us, the buck stops here...

As a parent you never realize just how responsible you are for your children until something goes wrong.

Jeez, reading through this post is depressing. You could get the impression that I'm a walking Xanax commercial or something...

Okay, for the lighter side of things.....

Somehow during my intense training regimen I managed to pull one of my calf muscles. This kept me off of the bike for a couple of days, but now I'm back in the saddle so to say. I don't know if I pulled the muscle riding the bike, or when I was stretching to get the potato chips from the top shelf in the kitchen cabinet.

I'm going to go with the cause being the bike. I've just started riding it recently, and I've reached for those chips hundreds of times before without injury. Seems pretty clear cut to me.

We're sweating now...

Thursday evening saw the arrival of a new addition to our living room furniture.... My new exercise bike.

My list of requirements for this bike wasn't all that large: 1. Strong enough to hold up my rather substantial body. 2. Cheap.

After a bit of searching, I came across my bike on the website of the Mecca of cheap - Walmart.com It had some good reviews from other..... large people I guess you could say. Most importantly, it hadn't collapsed under anybody's weight as of yet.

Now you thin people out there may not understand this consideration, but this type of issue is a reality for us non slender individuals. Case in point - Saturday night I leaned over a little too far while sitting in my trusty computer chair and inflicted a fatal injury on the poor thing. It was trying gamely to continue on, but from the time I heard the sickening crack come from one of the legs, I knew I would have to put her out of her misery.

I'd hate to see what havoc would occur if I did similar damage while pedaling madly on my exercise bike. I could just see pieces flying everywhere - possibly impaling innocent bystanders - or even worse, my television.

Comforted by its reported strength, I embarked upon the process known as "some assembly".

The first thing I noticed is that the eight year old Chinese kid who put the parts in the box forgot one simple item - the instructions.

Now, your average man would say, "Screw it - I can figure this out". Ten hours later, after considerable swearing, sweating, and threatening the life of the Asian engineer who designed the bike, he would end up with something that was a cross between a blender and a Picasso.

I however, am not your average man. (Actually I'm probably about 1.5 average men...) With my superior knowledge, and previous failures at non-instruction manual assisted assemblies, I knew there was a simple solution - the internet! A quick search found me a copy of the instructions, and soon after I completed a successful assembly.

Of course there was the thought in my head during the assembly that once I finished putting it together, I was actually supposed to ride the bike. This was not a pleasant thought.

As it turns out though, the actual riding hasn't been that bad.

I set a goal of 20 minutes a night for the first week or so, regardless of distance or speed. I've been able to keep that up this weekend without too much of a problem. Next week I'll bump it to half an hour.

My goal is to get to 10 miles a night within the next month or so. If I can keep up the same pace I have been doing, that should take me about 45 minutes.

After that I'll move on to actual running. Unless of course I have a heart attack before then.